this is not a fluffy post. feel free to pass it by. this is more midnight ramblings dealing with some thoughts in my head that i need to get out; to label some feelings i've had for a long time.
for me, friendship
is something that does not come naturally.
i tend to be an introvert. i have a hard time initiating stuff. i get really nervous
before social things, and end up talking too much and regretting
the things i say later and think that i sound like a jerk most of the time, when really, i'm just trying really hard to make connections
i have good intentions
, but i allow too much time to pass before contacting a friend.
i don't like talking on the phone, not because of the whole "talking on the phone" thing, but because i have a hard time not being distracted by my kids when i'm on the phone, and i feel like i'm doing you a disservice
by not listening to you 100%. (but it doesn't bother me in the least
when you have to tend to your kids while i'm on the phone with you.)
me to see my friends hurting. i try to do a lot in my power to help, but most of the time i just feel helpless, and i'm afraid i push others away
because i feel like if i can't help, maybe i should just leave you alone so i don't complicate matters.
i gossip too much. i regret a lot that i say. i think that i should probably hold my tongue
more and be a better listener.
i feel guilty
over friendships that i've let slack. i remove myself from friendships because i feel like i am a horrible
friend, so they'd be better off without me at all.
i'm lazy. i forget birthdays even though i imagine that i would love to send handmade cards and thoughtful gifts.
it's very important to me to be authentic and transparent
with others, but did you know that in order to be real, others have to see the ugly, broken
side of you too? sometimes i'd rather just be fake so that you can think that i'm a nice person
just being honest here. it's something i think about a lot. i want my kids to learn to be a better friend than i am.