this is not a fluffy post. feel free to pass it by. this is more midnight ramblings dealing with some thoughts in my head that i need to get out; to label some feelings i've had for a long time.

for me, friendship is something that does not come naturally.

i tend to be an introvert. i have a hard time initiating stuff. i get really nervous before social things, and end up talking too much and regretting the things i say later and think that i sound like a jerk most of the time, when really, i'm just trying really hard to make connections with people.

i have good intentions, but i allow too much time to pass before contacting a friend.

i don't like talking on the phone, not because of the whole "talking on the phone" thing, but because i have a hard time not being distracted by my kids when i'm on the phone, and i feel like i'm doing you a disservice by not listening to you 100%. (but it doesn't bother me in the least when you have to tend to your kids while i'm on the phone with you.)

it hurts me to see my friends hurting. i try to do a lot in my power to help, but most of the time i just feel helpless, and i'm afraid i push others away because i feel like if i can't help, maybe i should just leave you alone so i don't complicate matters.

i gossip too much. i regret a lot that i say. i think that i should probably hold my tongue more and be a better listener.

i feel guilty over friendships that i've let slack. i remove myself from friendships because i feel like i am a horrible friend, so they'd be better off without me at all.

i'm lazy. i forget birthdays even though i imagine that i would love to send handmade cards and thoughtful gifts.

it's very important to me to be authentic and transparent with others, but did you know that in order to be real, others have to see the ugly, broken side of you too? sometimes i'd rather just be fake so that you can think that i'm a nice person.

just being honest here. it's something i think about a lot. i want my kids to learn to be a better friend than i am.